I need new Material

Writing jokes is like buying nice clothes. Why put in all the work when you can just STEAL

Uber drivers are like massage therapists. They don’t speak english but its fine because you have nothing to say to them anyway. if you have to say anything it’s because they’re doing a bad job.

Bombing is like being broken up with. You cant tell if it’s them or it’s you but either way you hate yourself and there’s nothing you can do about it but try again, expose yourself to more judgement from more people who might not like you. If you get burned again it stings twice as bad because then it’s probably not them, it’s you. And so you feel worse about yourself and begin to spiral down into a dark cellar where you question every good thing you ever thought and you understand why none of your friends seem to really care about or like you and you don’t blame them for feeling that way. You type into the notes app on your phone one shot deep in a fast moving car back to the expensive, dirty, dangerous city in which you live, feeling the futility of transcribing these thoughts. No one can save you but yourself.