atari

nobody taught me how to jerk off. i didn’t watch a video. it just happened naturally. i was cranking it back and forth like an atari joystick. still, i came hard.

and i immediately felt this crushing sense of shame and guilt like i had just killed a man, it was exhilarating and scary. it’s like my body did a hard reset and woke up in a new reality. i felt like i was in a nightmare, like the DMT feeling, like you’re playing a FPS and you’ve taken a lot of damage so the screen is kind of blurred and there’s blood and darkness along the edges.

I was probably the last of my friends to touch his dick. nobody told me. it just never came up. i didn’t know what sex was at all. somehow i had avoided hearing or learning about sex for my entire life until that point. 

I thought that “sleeping together” literally meant sleeping together. Like a man and a woman slept together in the same bed and if they loved each other very much, she would become pregnant.