Becoming Employed

This is my job application strategy: log on to Linkedin.com (you’d think there would be a better website for this by now but there’s not) and search “Marketing” and “Writing” Jobs based in Seattle posted in the last 24 hours. Easy Apply preferred. Apply to every decent company whose application looks like it will take me less than 5 minutes. Once I’ve cleared those, expand the search to 1 week. There are thousands. If I’ve cleared those, I stop and do something else. 

I did this almost every day for about a month. All of August. Many companies got back to me. I ignored most of them after looking a little more closely at the listing or the nature of their business, knowing I wouldn’t be able to fake enthusiasm there for all the money in the world. 

None of the big tech companies (TikTok, Microsoft, Amazon) I applied to, with referrals, got back to me. Not a single follow-up. These companies, in my head, inoculate you into a kind of college-part-2 experience, plus infinite money, provided you’re willing to devote most of your life to them. I would, as the kids say, be down for that. 

One company that I could stand to align with got back to me: a CPAP supply store based in Redmond, Washington. CPAP is that oxygen mask boomers wear in bed to stop them from snoring. Saves marriages. Saves lives. Not a bad business to be in.

Generic, all-encompassing Modern Marketing position. Social media, google ads, promotional emails, graphics, youtube, the whole thing. It’s a 30 person team running a $10 million dollar company. I won’t be able to “lay low” and “float” like I did at my last job. And now that I’m selling something that people actually need, something that (no bullshit) helps people, I think I’ll be able to do it. 

So I clear the phone screener, easy, go into the office for an “introductory interview" and meet two women who liked me, so I could move on to the final interview with the CEO. I was told multiple times that several candidates were vying for this decision, with one of the ladies exclaiming to her co-interviewer in frustrated delight: “oh there are so many qualified applicants!” Tough to hear. 

Still, foolishly, I stopped applying to other jobs. I decided to go all in on this one, and study all week leading up to the “technical interview” with the CEO. I have this useful delusion that if I focus solely on one thing, dedicating all of me to it, I will get what I want. 

With that Copium I studied CPAP facts every day. I listened to “10 things to know when you get your first CPAP” while running miles and miles, imagining new ways to promote the business. I came up with some good ideas. 

He said all the interviews would be done this week. Mine was Friday. On Thursday evening, the guy calls me and says that actually, he won’t be able to make it into the office tomorrow, so my interview will have to be done remotely over Skype. 

Not good. I don’t want him to compare Me Over Zoom to people he has already interviewed in person. You don’t really meet people over Zoom. I ask him if there’s any way we can do it in person instead and he says no. Okay.

I really want this job. But also I’m running out of money. I feel as if I’m being lowered slowly into a vat of acid. I’m not in hell, yet, but I can see it. It’s really close unless I find a way, or more accurately a person, to stop the lowering. He has no idea he is that person. 

I wake up the next morning and do the interview. It goes pretty well. I say all the things I should be saying. And I make it clear that I did quite a bit of research on his business and offered some new strategies that I would implement if I were to get the role. This is what I think employers actually want. For you to work for them before you work for them. He says OK, we will let you know by end of day. I say okay, I’m looking forward to it!

I get nothing for about 10 hours. I’m mentally checked out. I think he’s probably already contacted the guy who got it, who is not me, and I’ll get some tough impersonal email including phrases like “strong candidates,” “at this time,” and “future endeavors” —  that cliche job rejection language recruiters use when they’re done expending thought on you. 

At 9 PM, on Friday night, I get this: 

I am crushed. I’m at a smash event eating a low quality Chicken Parm. I just stare into space for several minutes. I feel like crawling onto the floor. I’m still in the bracket. No one who’s here knows or cares. I play my next set against someone I always beat and I can’t think about the game at all so I lose 3-0 and they’re very pleased with themselves. I say nothing. I sulk into the parking lot and climb into my car and privately scream into the body of the vehicle. 

The main reason I’m screaming is because I’m running out of money. Unexpected costs shortened the amount of time I have to find a decent job before I have to settle for a bad one. As in, a non-screen slave job. You may be familiar.

What feels like all my friends, including my best friend and my girlfriend, are tonight drinking and going to a club. I said I’d go. You need to be in a decent mood to exist at a place like that. Where the whole point is to dance and smile at people and act stupid and find your single friends a body to love. A lot of socialization I’m too sad and defeated to shamelessly enjoy.

Monday I get back on the job application grind. The 9-5 Linkedin scrolling and tweaking and applying I’ve been hacking away at for the past month. It’s as miserable as it always has been. Starting from zero. 

On Tuesday afternoon, I get this email:

Oh. 

That’s good. Suddenly, I start next Monday (9/11).

I’m more relieved than happy. I guess when I put my all into something, it does work out? 

Salary is good. Full medical and dental benefits. 401k. All good. I start Monday. Good for me. Good good good good good.