the notes app just deleted my last 9 months of writing

so tragic. especially considering i had the entire solution to the israel-palestine conflict written out on here

like sand through my fingers

i am absolutely distraught. i feel like i just lost the last 9 months of my life. this is the worst thing that has happened to me in a while, by far. i am grateful to have discovered the utility of writing, but so, so bitter that my writing is gone. 

hundreds of pages… all gone with literally one innocuous unchecking of a box on system preferences. No warning, no password, nothing. god I am defeated. I am mourning. it didn’t hit me how much I valued all this shit until it was suddenly all gone.

the drugs won’t save you. the job won’t save you. your friends won’t save you. the only one who can save you is yourself. this is the kind of thing that makes you stronger, hopefully. maybe not though. maybe it’s the kind of thing that reinforces the belief that nothing matters and that it’s foolish to work at anything over a long period of time because it will always just be sand between your fingers.

nobody’s generally happy for no reason. you might not know the source of your happiness, but it’s there. and if you’re unlucky, it will only reveal itself when its been deleted from your computer forever.