About Me

baby i’m sorry i’m like this. i’m sorry i don’t want to spend every day together like i used to. i’m sorry we’re not doing anything on thanksgiving. i’m sorry for making you so frustrated. i’m sorry that you hate your job. i’m sorry for laying it all out like this. i’m sorry i make you feel bad for texting me. i’m sorry you’re with someone so cold. i’m sorry your parents didn’t build you up like mine did for me. i’m sorry for chipping away at your innocence every time we talk, for making you just like me. 

when i say i’m sorry, i mean only that. i feel sorry. i don’t mean that i apologize. i don’t mean that i see the fault in my actions or intent and will change in the future. i mean that i understand that you feel pain and i acknowledge that you are sad. the most i can do is to simply acknowledge it. i try to help you improve your condition but i’m learning more all the time that the only one who can improve somebody’s condition is themself. 

i don’t just “hang out” with people. i always felt uncomfortable about it but now i know why. i’m too aware of how that time spent does not improve my condition or in the long-run contribute to my happiness. 

i don’t hate people. i don’t want to be completely alone. i just need a goal. i just can’t keep having conversations or dates that turn out to be “thomas: entertain me for a few hours. i don’t have anything specific to discuss. ready? go!” i’m aware that there are millions of young men out there who would just fucking murder me and eat my innards for the opportunity to have a girl as pretty as you call them up or to purposelessly “hang out” just so she can listen to him talk and touch his body. men will pay a fortune for the experience i’m rejecting all the time. and maybe i would too, if i was 5’2 and none of this ever happened. you don’t know what you got till it’s gone.

you know how my last relationship ended? i just disappeared. no warning, i just stopped communicating with my girlfriend of 6 months who loved me so much she’d move across the country and she never did anything wrong or anything to hurt me. i didn’t know how to tell her that i didn’t want to date any more so i just didn’t. this is the worst thing i’ve ever done. she’s probably hopefully completely over it by now. 

i have no plans to “break up” with you, ever, so don't be constantly on your toes or feeling like you need to impress me. but just know that this works better for both of us when you are independently flourishing regardless of me. when you have something besides me to look forward to. when i could die tomorrow and you would be more or less okay. you would be able to start over and keep going. because maybe it feels like there’s nobody like me, but that’s not true. it’s just a feeling. i was just at the right place at the right time. that’s all anyone ever is. we just got lucky. 

you shouldn’t need to schedule an appointment in advance to talk to your boyfriend. i’m failing at everything all at once. I’m failing to win tournaments and write books and at work and failing to make you happy and failing improve my physical health or fitness. I’m doing all these things mediocrely all at once. 

but hey, look at the bright side: i’ve spent almost an hour now without looking at my phone, so that’s a good thing.